For months I haven’t blogged. It wasn’t an intentional break. It wasn’t even a break. It was me quitting. Me consciously thinking to myself “No, I don’t want to blog this. I can’t be bothered to blog about this.” It felt a little bit like a break-up, when the person you’ve always wanted to turn to and tell everything to stops being that person and you just feel like you no longer have anything to say.
The reason I started blogging on accidentallykle and then The Pretty Walrus was to document life for my children. I wanted them to have something to look back on. To be able to read my thoughts and my mental letters to them. To know how much I love them, even when there are tough days. A little bit of immortality.
My blog was never meant to be a cash cow. Who am I to write and tell others what to do and what to use and how to use them? Who am I to preach when I’m still figuring it all out myself?
And yet all around me, my friend’s simple little blogs became big, booming, Mommy Blogs. And they reviewed things and got sent all sorts of things for free. And I think I was intimidated. I never wanted that, and yet it made me feel inferior. Should I be doing that too? Is that what blogging is all about? Can a blog not be a good blog if it doesn’t have corporations pushing it along?
But I just couldn’t do it. I’d turn down email after email for reviews and sponsored posts. Most of them had nothing to do with my blog anyway.
My husband still insists I missed a good opportunity for some money along the way. I explain that that’s never what it was about. The business developer side to him doesn’t quite understand it, I know. But I was never a sales person. And even if I were, I’d be a ridiculously bad one because I’d be too honest about things I thought were awful.
So I removed myself from all that but then felt that I wasn’t qualified to be in this ever-growing blogging club. And slowly, I pushed myself out.
But I’ve missed it. I’ve missed having somewhere to type out my thoughts, and I’ve missed being able to keep track of our adventures. And I think to myself how much I love reading back through my posts of things Emily and I got up to when she was Adam’s age. So why can’t there be the same to look back on for Adam?
Facebook and Instagram can be very distracting because they easily make me feel that I’m keeping track of things when I’m actually losing memories to a cloud of moments and lunches and manicures. How do I single one event out when I want to?
I’m back. I don’t know if it will last. I don’t quite know what style this new blog will take (I do know I needed a new blog for a fresh start and even opted for a different platform so as not to get lazy and simply fall back into old habits, whatever they were), and I’m nervous if not a little bit scared to be back, but I’m here and I’m writing again. For now.